Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?

I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120 years ago. The languages, a year of rhetoric, all of the great books, Western Man courses, stuff like that.

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.