I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.