Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist.

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.