I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

A lot of people have said, "Oh, I, boy, I wish Hillary Clinton would just go away."