Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005

Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.

Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.