Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nomination is absurd. But the President didn't say he thought about his selection. He said this: "I know her heart." Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers.

If I ever succumbed to the demon on my shoulder going, "You should get something special because you're famous," that is the moment that my behavior will be caught on social media for all time. I'm even afraid to use it to get a reservation. This is the person who will tweet, "Can you believe what this a-hole did?"

The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.

If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate

I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.