...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.

As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.

I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman's chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants.