...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.

As a rule, Germans shouldn't do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu.

It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, "I command you to do this." The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.

If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you?

Will Herman Cain become the first black President that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he's a horse.

If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.