America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.

Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.

The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.

I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.

I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.