I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

You may learn sooner than most generations the hard lesson that you must always make the path for yourself...There is no secret society out there that will tap you on your shoulder one night and show you the way.

Trump will not respond to reasoned argument. He will not be held accountable for the things he said. All you can do is point and laugh. Because the devil cannot abide mockery.

Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.

I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions.

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.