I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.

You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection.

Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.

I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.