Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.

Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.

Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.

Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal.

I'm impervious to logic.