Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella.

You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.

Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.

Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?