Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

People would say, "Oh, you say you just do jokes." I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.