Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.

I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat.

I can't prove it, but I can say it.