Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)

If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.

If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.