If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?

I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera.

I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

I tell a lot of young performers, 'Go get in trouble. Go commit yourself to something you're not sure you can do.' And I followed my own advice.

I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?

Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.