Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.

Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos.

Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship.

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character.