You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.

You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.

There is a residual sense for me, having grown up in the early '70s, that I did not know I had, which was a sense that the military are different than I. Because there was such a divide between the military world - and there still is, because there's no draft - and the civilian world is one of the rotten harvests of the Vietnam War, was this sort of bifurcation of America in that way.

First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.

...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear