If I ever succumbed to the demon on my shoulder going, "You should get something special because you're famous," that is the moment that my behavior will be caught on social media for all time. I'm even afraid to use it to get a reservation. This is the person who will tweet, "Can you believe what this a-hole did?"

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.

Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.

If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.

A press that has validity is a press that has authority. And as soon as there's any authority to what the press says, you question the authority of the government - it's like the existence of another authority.