If I ever succumbed to the demon on my shoulder going, "You should get something special because you're famous," that is the moment that my behavior will be caught on social media for all time. I'm even afraid to use it to get a reservation. This is the person who will tweet, "Can you believe what this a-hole did?"

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.

I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.