If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal.

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone.

It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.