Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison.

The more you know, the sadder you get.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!

There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.