Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison.

I did learn something interesting [while at the Atlanta airport]. You have to be a member of the TSA in order to legally perform a cavity search. My apologies to the staff of Cinnabon, but you guys should really keep that extra frosting where the customers can find it.

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

Equations are the devil's sentences.

it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.