I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.

Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.

Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America-we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.