I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.

Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.