I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.

Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.

Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.

I'm proud of my ability to understand what somebody else is trying to do and help them achieve it, because part of the aesthetic of improvisation is service. We don't lead, we only follow. You never say no. Serve the servant, follow the follower. And that's very valuable in your life, as well as very valuable in your work.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.