I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.

Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.

We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.

Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

Truthiness is "What I say is right, and [nothing] anyone else says could possibly be true." It's not only that I feel it to be true, but that I feel it to be true. There's not only an emotional quality, but there's a selfish quality.

Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform.