I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.

Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.