I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.

Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.