If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.

Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.

Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.