America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics.

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.