America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.

John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government.

To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.

I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.