Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
Stephen ColbertObamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.
Stephen ColbertThey said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.
Stephen ColbertMentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
Stephen Colbert