I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.

Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.

Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.