This is a crucial time in the fight for corporate civil rights. Just look at the hateful signs at Occupy Wallstreet: 'Corporations Are Not People!' Wow, I thought we were past the point in this country where some people aren't people just because they have different color skin or different religion or were born in a lawyer's office, only exist on paper, have no soul and can never die.

And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.