I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.

Usually when Donald Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor's note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam.

I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist.

Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with a semi-automatic. Now, for years I've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. Too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter.

You have to do your First Penance before your First Holy Communion. You're really young. What do you know? You've got nothing to confess. All I knew was that I was an evil human whose sins caused the death of our Lord.

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.