I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview "wrong."

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?

I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable "on notice"? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?