Last night, we did the Threatdown -- God, it's hard to even talk about this -- and for the first time, I didn't mention bears. It's winter, they're asleep, I didn't think it would be a problem. But today I see this in the Toronto Globe and Mail -- apparently a 700-pound polar bear showed up at a children's hockey game. I've said this before, they're after our kids -- they're tender, juicy, you don't even have to throw away the bones.
Stephen ColbertUsually when Donald Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor's note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam.
Stephen ColbertThirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
Stephen ColbertDonโt get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the motherโs responsibility. Itโs a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.
Stephen Colbert