I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.

On this show, your voice will be heard in the form of my voice.

I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

You have to do your First Penance before your First Holy Communion. You're really young. What do you know? You've got nothing to confess. All I knew was that I was an evil human whose sins caused the death of our Lord.