You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection.

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

I actually do not think that's how what's happening to our government is going to be stopped. I think people who are willing to be civically engaged and believe in the promises and the progress of the last fifty years that will save this country.

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor.

In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005