It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, "I command you to do this." The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.

I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable "on notice"? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.

Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.

In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say "congratulations.

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.