Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?

If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate

I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.

I gut check my show. I say, I say, "Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?" And Gut says, "Yes it does, Stephen. Let's get a grilled cheese sandwich."

Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.

I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable "on notice"? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?