Warning, I may contain more than a trace amount of nut.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say "congratulations.

I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat.

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.

I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.