Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

People would say, "Oh, you say you just do jokes." I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond wood and a futon on the floor and a bubbling samovar of tea in the background and a big beard - living alone but with my beard - and doing theater. That's what I thought my life would be.

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!