Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them.

This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.

Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.

Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.