Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.