So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves.

I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax and spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh... and everybody's high!

I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.