If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!

You have to do your First Penance before your First Holy Communion. You're really young. What do you know? You've got nothing to confess. All I knew was that I was an evil human whose sins caused the death of our Lord.

Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.