After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mine away.

Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.

I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.