Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.

Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.

Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.