I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them.

Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.

I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.

I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.

It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.