What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.

Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't understand is, why can't they say what I say, even in their own way? Does that mean they want to be able to name certain bald contradictions or hypocrisies that politicians have?