What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.

Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

Let freedom ka-ching...Corporations do everything people do except breathe, die and go to jail for dumping 1.3 million pounds of PCBs in the Hudson River.

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.

Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.