Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!
Stephen ColbertI'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.
Stephen ColbertI used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
Stephen ColbertSo my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientistsโthey'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.
Stephen Colbert