In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

On this show, your voice will be heard in the form of my voice.

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)

Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!

You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.