Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes from getting casinos [on screen: 'Thou Shalt Not Compete'] and bribe congressmen in the process. Know what I call that? I call that business as usual in Washington. [on screen: 'Screwing Indians']