Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think.

I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty. People love the president because he's certain of his choices as a leader, even if the facts that back him up don't seem to exist. It's the fact that he's certain that is very appealing to a certain section of the country. I really feel a dichotomy in the American populace. What is important? What you want to be true, or what is true?

Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.