I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'

Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal.

The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.