I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?

There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera.