I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.

Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.