If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism. It just means that it's harder to make jokes about altruism.

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.

We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.

If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.

I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.

The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights. I just hope he doesn't do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights.