If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120 years ago. The languages, a year of rhetoric, all of the great books, Western Man courses, stuff like that.

John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.

I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.