If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone.