Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.

Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.

I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.