Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.