Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.

It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.