I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.

In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.